Poulter fears Garcia’s birthday is ruined after well wishes go amiss

John Craven
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Ian Poulter and Sergio Garcia (Photo by Tom Jenkins)

*Checks notes*…. 47-year old Ian Poulter has jumped to the defence of 43-year old Sergio Garcia after Europe’s Ryder Cup Twitter account failed to wish the Spaniard a happy birthday on Monday.

Following Ryder Cup Europe posting a video of Francesco Molinari flopping a wedge shot to a tight pin with the caption, “Incredible touch”, Poulter, a big believer in birthdays, took the opportunity to criticise the internet for forgetting his friend’s big day.

“What’s really an “incredible touch”,” he wrote, “is the Players that helped build the @RyderCupEurope Brand with other players as well.

“You just can’t bring yourself to say a simple Happy Birthday. @TheSergioGarcia B’day Yesterday. Unfortunately this says so much.”

Indeed Ian, it does say so much, about you, and what a great friend you are. In fact, it says all you need to know about Ian James Poulter that he jumped to his friend’s defence on January 10th of all days. What’s so important about January 10th you ask? Well that’s Ian Poulter’s birthday of course, and guess what, there was no mention of that on Ryder Cup Europe’s twitter account either!

But enough about Poulter, he wouldn’t want the attention distracting from his pal. Let me take you back to the year 1980 in Borriol, Spain, when the boy Garcia was born into the world on January 9th. Since that day, by all accounts Sergio’s birthdays have been very well-received, and very well attended, despite a few tantrums along the way.

There was his sixth birthday at Jungle World where a little girl cut across him in the queue for the slide into the ball pit. Garcia flew down after her, core tensed and feet braced hoping to meet her at the bottom for a brutal end, but by the time he emerged, the girl had vanished inside the pit.

The boy Garcia was livid, slashing repeatedly at the balls, fecking them out over the netting, screeching at the top of his lungs; “The mother who gave birth to you! F******! F***! F****** don’t know how to form an orderly queue. Stick it up your arse, the whole lot of you!”

There was also his eleventh birthday at Leisureplex for Q-Zar and Bowling; the boy Garcia again left fuming when the bowling attendant revealed that he couldn’t put the sides up because lane 7 was broken and the venue was under such financial strain that year that they couldn’t fix the bumpers.

“This lane is s***, you’re all f*****,” exploded the fiery pre-pubescent. “[You] should have taken the Saudi money.”

And last but by no means least, who could forget paintballing for Sergio’s sweet 16th. Garcia had orchestrated an impenetrable defensive guard against an oncoming enemy attack. Legend has it that nobody was to shoot until Garcia fired the first bullet. That was the signal. But when Garcia pulled the trigger, the ammunition inside his rifle burst,  jamming his gun at the crucial moment and allowing the enemy to capture his team’s flag.

“I can’t wait to leave this team,” Garcia cried. “Just a couple more hours until I don’t have to deal with you anymore.”

Ah, they were the best of times, they were the worst of times, but at least January 9th had always been acknowledged. Shame on you Ryder Cup Europe. From MSN, to Bebo, to Facebook, Sergio Garcia has always had a heap of friends who never missed the chance to write happy birthday on his wall… what makes you any different?

Even since he got famous, thousands of strangers do the same, selflessly marking the day the Spaniard was born despite never receiving so much as a like for their efforts. A Masters champion, but more importantly, a European legend. Our top Ryder Cup points scorer. A man who bleeds blue. One that puts the European cause above everything…

‘Except a massive payday with the Saudis where the consequences of such a move were blatantly obvious’.

That’s not the point.

‘Why?’

For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fe-ll-oowwwww. And so say all of us! Hip hip…

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