JT, Rory & Woods, a threesome for the ages

Just as it started to feel like we were going through the motions, the final Major of the year has thrown us all a doggy-life. 
 

 Rory McIlroy / Image from Getty Images
 
When I’m old and wrinkly, forgetful and jaded, I’ll gather whoever will listen around a warm fire on a brisk August evening and recount to them how it felt to live through the summer of 2018. The incessant sweating en route to work, the disrobing only to beach yourself by a fan for respite and a foreign tan formed from all your freckles merging together like your pasty self had always dreamed; who will ever believe it?
 
The drought conditions have led this horse to beer gardens across the land and the sun’s encouragement made me drink. An unquenchable thirst coupled with an unsympathetic social calendar has proved exhausting. Each passing day my belly bloats that bit further, my new-found hips don’t lie whilst I’ve burst through the seams of just about every pair of pants I own as a result, but I must keep going. We all should because it won’t last forever. Winter’s gloom will cast its shadow soon and the shredding can begin once more… but not yet. 
 
By nature we are indulgent, greedy creatures craving everything to excess in spite of our wellbeing and I can’t help but feel that the powers that be in the world of golf share our gluttonous ways. Only unlike the weather that will inevitably turn sour, the bottomless pit of prize pots on the PGA Tour will continue to run deep as long as the potential for profit remains. It’s only two weeks into August and I’m already burnt out watching golf; my enthusiasm for competition going the way of rivalry in the sport – non-existent. 
 
And so to the ugly duckling of Major championships and just when I thought the PGA big-wigs couldn’t get any dumber, they go and draw Rory McIlroy alongside Tiger Woods and Justin Thomas for the first two day’s play… and totally redeem themselves!
 
Yes, I’ve been sucked back in, just like that gut of mine as I stroll topless through the Serengeti that is my local park. I haven’t been this excited for a threesome since I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy all in one sitting while I have it on good authority that Tiger Woods hasn’t been this excited for a ménage à trois since… sorry, that was off the record. Never mind.
 
This one’s got it all though with each participant bringing something special to the party so let’s hope they can feed off one another to give the golfing public the climax we deserve. Despite being past his prime, Tiger remains the alpha male of this equation. For two decades his performances have been the stuff of legend and since gluing himself back together he has threatened to come good again. Only he’s been peaking too early of late. The foreplay’s been encapsulating, him being in contention pulsating but with the finish line in sight, the new Tiger blows it, time and time again. He needs to rediscover his mojo and rubbing shoulders with JT and Rory may well provide the catalyst.
 
When Woods was seemingly put out to stud, Nike felt Rory swooshed all the right boxes but no mere mortal can fill a Tiger’s paws. If playing alongside his childhood hero wasn’t enough, McIlroy gets an immediate opportunity at revenge having been pounded into submission by Thomas at the Bridgestone in the final round last week. Despite his inferior talent, Thomas has stolen a march on the mercurial McIlroy who, like Tiger, needs to relearn the ability to get it done under pressure. 
 
There was a time I thought Thomas wasn’t fit to lace the boots of his two playing partners this week but the only shine-box he needs these days is one for his trophies. McIlroy admired JT’s “nasty streak” after Sunday’s familiar failings but the American looks about as intimidating as a scarecrow in a swathe jacket to me. Rory’s lucky he never experienced the dominatrix ways of Tiger in his pomp when players were whipped about by Woods’ leather tassels screaming ‘Oklahoma’ for mercy as the GOAT left his mark – Lady in red. Rory needs to bite back, puff out his chest and remind Thomas who’s boss but all the while he’s trying to you can trust Tiger will be thinking the exact same thing.
 
As far as subplots go, this one’s perfectly poised. Let’s hope the main protagonists can deliver a performance worthy of the build-up.